"The world is full of kings and queens who'll blind your eyes but steal your dreams"

Sara was a girl
Moan was what she said
EEEEEEEEEE was what I said.

what a way to live, so pure
so free,
ceremony.

It's been over a year since i've been here.  i have occupied myself in the best way i know how, in dealing with life's stresses that have come my way.  I had believed once that I had found myself a honorable man whom i could call my husband.  turns out, it was all an illusion, one that I had to work through much bitterness when the bubble burst.  at any rate, as the seasons turn, it is not the loss of an ideal dream of a family that i am writing about now, but these days, my mind and my heart feels more and more trepidation about a bigger potential loss, and likely, in all it's chaos, a greater gain.

and that my friends, is all the prophecies of the end of the world as we know it, coming december 21, 2012, as the mayans predicted it, and according to the history channel, nostradamus, and the egyptians, and the masons, and biblical references all indicate similar time frames and similar messages.

i see so much advancement in technology and what we can buy to bring into our homes, and all the little awesome mighty cool toys we can buy, all these things blind us....it is someone's greater plan, the white nations religions would attribute it to satan, his plan.  i don't beleive in satan, or heaven and hell, fire n brimstone, an eternity of burning in hell, yadda yadda, but if that kind of belief system helps some humans become better world citizens, then good for them. 

as for myself, i do see massive change, very very quickly in the frame of time, shit, the average person didn't have motorized cars at the turn of the century, and look at us now.  think of all the stores with all the crap that we can buy, and think of all the "deals" and savings today this week, next week, yadda yadda, and then think well, shit if toys r us is having this on sale, calculate how many per store, how many stores per city, how many per province, per country, and then add all the walmarts, canadian tires, london drugs, and all the other stores with all their products, and then calculate how many earth resources went into making each single toy, and the number of resources gone into this facade of civilization is just wrong. wrong wrong wrong.  no two ways about it, no excuses, we are killing our mother.

and my part, i utilize these material things, i shop, i buy....i still don't have fancy furniture, a big screen tv, a quality brand name surround system, a ps3, xbox 360, nintendo wii, ipod, mp3 player, .....not that i don't see these things and desire them, oh, i do...there are lots of worldly desires i contend with and sometimes feel down right embittered that i do not possess such things...

i do have a cell phone, necessity pay as you go, cheap surround system, ancient 19" tv, as my old 27" finally bit the dust, or at least the remote did as the power button collapsed years ago...it was a good tv...Sharp model...i have a 02' windstar that i will be paying for another two years, and beleive me, i am in poverty, what they call the poverty line and i rent a house, pay wells fargo personal loan, my van, my insurance, my hydro, ...my food, and that is all i have to spend...but as you can see, i am not perfect, i too succumb to the excess of our society...is there hope yet?

every time i look elsewhere, i see people with big screens, plasma, lcds, ipods, etc etc, and sometimes i feel envy.  sometimes, when i feel too financially crunched, i develop a thought about making some cash unscrupulously, crime what they call it, breaking the law...stealing, but it is my greater moral code which prevents me from acting out on thoughts like that...

my moral code....like i said, i don't subscribe to religion fanaticism, but there are good teachings, the ten commandments, given to a dude who went to a mountain and fasted, passed on a message to bring to his people...that i can respect, my culture, we do the same thing, fast and pray for direction...

at this time, the next three years, i will remember that wide is the road to destruction, narrow the road to salvation, apply that biblical teaching to my own spirituality, and struggle as i might, i will do my best to keep my own road narrow, and not be blinded by all the latest bling...i will do my best to stay humble, and true to myself, my concept of God, to those who answer when i pray and call upon the Creator, Grandmothers and Grandfathers...

when my time, or when the end of the world comes, i want as clear a conscience as i can accomplish...how about you?  for I tell you my friend, it is coming and it will be here before you know it...as for me, i wish to prepare as best i can, to meet my maker with courage and strength, my creator will know that i have done my best to become....

Well, that Wednesday he gave me back my house key when he was talking bout custody and all.  I went to work, cried to my boss, then neatly packaged up the rest of my raw emotion and grief for later times to deal with, put on a good face and dealt with work.

 

Friday, i wanted to pick up my baby daughter from daycare, but the lady, looking out after the girl's interest said she would need to hear from my ex first.  So i tried phoning him, finally got ahold of him and was anxious about what kind of reaction I would get.  Surprisingly enough, the conversation went quite well.  My nephew mowed the lawn earlier that day, so I loaded up the lawnmower and weed wacker and dropped it off to him.

 

Seemed okay seeing him too.  Took off, got the girls from daycare and went on to survive the first weekend.

 

Now here's the thing.  I had a house key of his, and I hadn't turned it over yet.  A part of me wanted to go in his house when he was at work and dig through his shit.  I mean really tempted.  Just to find some dirt, eh??

 

I thought of burning a copy first, and all this stuff.  Thank goodness I never did any thing about it.  Today I went to a sweatlodge ceremony, and prayed and grieved some more.  Afterwards, I felt really good, I mean like happy good. 

 

So tonight, when picking up my older daughter, I held his key out to him.  He pretended not to see and walked past me.  I stuck it back in my pocket...made me wonder, why is he seemingly purposefully not acknowledging that I am standing there holding his key out to him?

 

again, a little thought said, well.................keep it then.  And then the sane part of my brain said, NOOOOOOO!!!!!  You don't want to be obligated in any way other than the functions of raising the child, no other connections, it'll get messy...............again....

 

So, then I got my older girl to get her stuff, and just upon leaving, I held out his key to him once more, this time right in front of him, where he had no choice but to see it.  He took it, and when he did, I was okay with it.  Actually, inside, I smiled.  he just said thanks, but didnt' make any kind of eye contact with me the whole time...and I was there for about at least a half hour.  When we left the gate, I half hugged him, he stood there...and I thought to myself, what the hell you doing hugging him...you might just end up confusing yourself. 

 

But still, it was okay. 

 

Now I am back at my house, thinking about how I can paint it, and rearrange the bedrooms here.  Thought about getting a roommate, but .... I dont' know about that yet.  Maybe I'll just struggle and be poor a bit and take some time to heal...

 

I stuck an ad on craigslist...got some single 42 yr old man with two jobs needing a room...recently single, answered my ad.  He's looking for a room...

 

I will bring it up with my sons and nephews tomorrow and see what they think....

yeah...

 

i asked him to think about our relationship, one family, two households, and to see the insanity in it, if he wanted our relationship and loved me, then let's examine moving back in together...

 

i asked him what he thought about it, he told me there was nothing here to make him want to move back in...

 

Ouch.  That fucking hurt.

 

I took my older girl back home with me that day.  he protested, for some reason, he wants to keep her but wants absolutely nothing to do with my sons. 

 

he blames it on my nephew...my work hours, my "busy-ness" with my other family members and friends...

 

my girl is happy to be home.  he still wants her.  Fuck him.  That's just wrong. 

 

I told him that i would not want to continue carrying on going over to his house to get "intimate" with him, and I took her home.  She's happy.  He's not.

 

He has our biological daughter to look after.  I don't deny him that.  but I will not allow him to deny my sons yet carry on like he is such a father to my older daughter who is not his biologically.

 

He said he went to family court and got information and seeks something in writing.  he said he is going to move all his cars off of my property. 

 

I am so fucking hurt over this.  I am angry with him.  Were it not for me helping him out, he would not be where he is now.  Asshole.  Use me and leave me....

 

i want to sabotage him but it goes against my values and teachings.  i want to hurt him but instead i have to let go and let god...

 

At least I got my daughter and sons home.

 

I am so hurt.