yeah, me too, been busy in my life at home and  not much online...

update, so my partner and I are still a partnership, even after his move out...financially, it's harder than i like...but doable thus far...crappy time of year to be broke though...he asked me this weekend if i found a roommate yet...i told him that i don't want the headache of a roommate...and well, it's not the roommate, it would be that having a roommate would interfere with the relationship i want to build with him...

cause by now, i have discovered that I do not want to go back to the singles block, actually four years ago when we met, i told him i was looking for something longterm and that i was a package deal....he seemingly conveniently forgets this sometimes...

even so, our time together is nicer now that he's moved out...i don't feel obligated to spend my free time with him watching TV (yawn...) and my house is much quieter with only two adolescent males, instead of an additional grade one-r and a older toddler...but do i ever miss them during the week..still...

i guess that's his way of saying, "that's the trade-off of choosing graveyard shifts..." well, fuck...i need to make money, pay my debts, and when i'm debt free, then we'll see if i can choose not to work, lol...not likely....you don't hear much about stay at home mom's these days, and if you do, they still have to enter the workforce after the kids are grown and out of home, so you get 40 somethings just entering the workforce and well, that's a tough way to go...i'd rather work now and stay in the game, thanks...

besides, he's 14 yrs older than me....lol, if we actually went legit and married and did our taxes together, etc, etc, could we both survive on his pension?  i think not....if i stay with the same organization until retirement, i will get thirty years to contribute to my pension...not bad i think...

all that said and done,

if i could subsist on land by hunting, trapping, fishing, and live in total wilderness, i would....i'd need some company though, else i may go stir crazy....probably not,,,,i can think of lots to occupy my time...get supplies in the summer; and fall.....bead, carve, craft, etc...etc...i would miss electricity to sew though....and music...i'm not much a maker of my own music...well, maybe i could learn more to do that, lol

yeah, there's this joke that's stereotypical...that'll only get little smiles or chuckles if ya hear it from a fellow native...goes like, hey whadya call an indian on a new bike? A thief........ha ha...uh ya... How bout this one...what do you call two indians on new bikes?  Organized Crime!!! Bwa haa haa haa haaa....like i said, you gotta be native in order for it to be any bit funny...

Anyhoo, so my teen sons decided they would sneak my and my partners bikes and ride them to school last friday and figured if my partner was no longer living with us, and if I was gonna sleep all day, then I nor my partner would notice them missing...Boy were they wrong...we both found out but neither of us discussed it Friday night when he brought the girls over to visit...

I had already given a "talk" to my sons about it...blah blah blah, it's wrong to do that, taking without asking is theft, you coulda got jacked up for the bikes, you coulda been hit by a car, what and with no helmut, and you really disappointed me, thought i could trust you...blah blah blah...i told them next time, they'd really get it...so they better not be taking my bike no more...and definitely not my partner's bike...

Saturday, i come home....and my bike's gone....a couple minutes later, my son comes riding down the hill...not only on my bike, but also wearing one of my favorite hoodies...him, who has no inkling about keeping clean or doing laundry...AND just after the firm lecture the DAY before...don't take my bike!

So, I figured, enough talk...I walked up to him...looked him in the eye, grabbed him, yanked him off the bike, gave him a couple of shots, wrestled him to the ground, made him look at me directly in the eyes, and made it simple...DON"T EVER TAKE MY STUFF WITHOUT ASKING EVER AGAIN!!!

(let me tell you, the pattern that developed before this "takedown" was him sneaking stuff of mine, halloween candy intended to be given out, a 150 piece box!, money, games, cd's, socks, pop, juice, and he gets "talked" to about the consequences of theft, has been yelled at (my socks), grounded from friends, games, TV, etc...man, he just don't quit...

so I street-justiced him...now before you get horrified, if you weren't already...he's 5'10-5'11'', strong....15 yr old....i'm lucky he never fought back.

then after I let him up, I told him to go to his room...he did.  I went in and talked to him....told him that i never got any pleasure outta that, but i tried everything in the past with all the other little incidents, and that i could tolerate his disrespect no longer...so i street justiced him...told him, that behaviour like that will get him killed one day, even though he meant his actions to be harmless...by accident...hah, i told him to get rid of the by accident in his speech and to take responsibility for his actions...and that i too, would be for mine.

(to be continued.....) 

Well, here it is.  After four years of co-habiitating, my ...

(i don't know what to say; I want to say, my husband, my partner, I could just say his name instead of my anything, but that seems to formal....and my EX is not something I want to say, that is just so brutal sounding, it's like how we are never to really say goodbye, only see you later....)

anyhoo, he's moving out.  Yeah, we let alot of stuff build up, yeah, we both hoped it would go away on it's own accord, we stepped over each other's boundaries and sacredness in a big way, we retreated,

it's been like being caught in a riptide, you are being pulled out and under and momentary calmness followed by huge waves crashing down on your head, and the whole time, you can't analyze or regroup, or anything, you just have to hold your breath and let go, trusting that at one point the wave will let you go and come up for air and then by swimming parallel, diagonal to the tide towards shore, eventually, if you are blessed, you will feel the firm sand under your toes and the scratchy shells broken up but polished by the relentless surf, and you will be able to crawl to the shore, away from the water....

and sit there basking in the sun, watching the waves, how playful they look, and think, well it can't be that bad...this time I'll stay in the shallow end...and end up with the water yanking the sand outta under my feet and sucking in a huge gulp of sandy salt water...uhh, no, don't think I am ready to tackle the ocean yet...

but still I love the frothy way about it, the allure, the beauty, the strength, the illusions and dazzling lights the sun plays on it's reflective surface...yeah, i still love it...

I told him I wasn't moving out almost a month ago.  He made arrangements and found a place not to far and he's moving there.  He says it's for the better, that if he were to stay, things would just go stale anyhow. 

I think he's right.  but as crazy as it is, sometimes i feel like i am the ocean, and he is the little surfer, and it is I who wants to envelop him, consume him, grasp him, hold him, love him, and without meaning to, ultimately drown him in the process...

Yeah, financially I would like a roommate...but every potential roommate is in some kind of distress crisis themselves and who am i, barely floating myself, to have the pretense that i have the ability to save any of them, not me...call me selfish, but currently I am barely staying afloat on my own little raft and i'm not willing in any quadrant of the circle to risk taking someone in right now...I still don't know just how wounded I am about this all.....

It's about growth, they say.

it's about challenge and rising to meet it, they say.

it's about opportunities abounding, they say.

it's about newness and adventure, they say.

hmmm, they don't say any of this when they are lugging a six foot couch up the stairs and around the hallway...

ahhh, moving after three years of entrenchment...who would have thought that so many little off branches of root would have grown here in that time....meaning, of course, how the heck could we have accumulated so much junk?  And of course, the majority of it is my partners, something totally out of my control....and i don't want to face that challenge...lol, let him climb the damn mountain...